Self-esteem: a word and, inside, an inner world that reveals itself in the ability or not to feel adequate to life, to its requests; in knowing that you deserve happiness, that you have value for yourself and for others.
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Self-esteem: a word and, inside, an inner world that reveals itself in the ability or not to feel adequate to life, to its requests; in knowing that you deserve happiness, that you have value for yourself and for others.
There are those who have good self-esteem; there are those who have it hypertrophic, immeasurable and those who, on the contrary, have little, very little. The interesting thing is that everyone, absolutely everyone, can work on it.
Here are 7 tips and warnings, from which to start, that can be learned in a personal career path.
Index
Self-esteem is a flower with many petals
Our overall self-esteem is given by the interaction of different aspects: self-confidence (ie believing in one's ability to act); feeling satisfied with oneself (and therefore with one's actions); self-confidence (ability to express oneself and also know how to make decisions, balanced and not rash, and then "walk" them, keep them over time). These parts are influenced, in turn, by self-love (as a benevolent, welcoming disposition); from real self-knowledge (which is the indispensable basis for any "evaluation" process) as well as from knowing how to accept oneself (in one's strengths and any inevitable aspects of weakness on which it is necessary to work).
These parts can become an in-depth map to orientate one's personal work in a targeted way.
A cascade process
In a nutshell, good self-esteem is therefore based on self-love (which also means feeling worthy of love and respect regardless of one's limitations); from the representation that one has of oneself (capable, not capable) and from self-confidence (which is very much based on experience and is nourished by the actions carried out and completed successfully).
These 3 components are interdependent: those who know how to respect themselves no matter what happens, can also have a positive vision of themselves and this influences trust, which allows you to move in life with the right amount of attention, without particular fear of failure. or the judgment of others.
The attachment style in the first months of life
According to the biopsychosocial model, self-esteem is influenced by temperament, personality and affective and social relationships, first of all those with the so-called "primary figures": normally the parents and, in particular, in the first year of life, the mother (or, more generally, the main affective figure of reference).
The style of attachment that characterizes the mother-child relationship will in fact determine - in the child - the image, the first representation he has of himself as a person worthy of love, who can trust (or not) in others and in the recognition and satisfaction of your needs. Low self-esteem generally originates from early experiences of rejection, neglect, affective deficiency which, if not impromptu but repeated over time, define an insecure attachment, avoiding when - in the worst cases - not disorganized. Children characterized by a good, secure attachment, on the other hand, have a good level of self-esteem, serenity and trust also in relationships with others.
Read: Mom, I need you: the 4 attachment styles that condition us from the cradle
Self-esteem strengthens in childhood
What are we supposed to do? True, you know but it is always good to remember: self-esteem depends not only on the love of parents but also on the aspirations, on the projects they had on us, on the stimuli they provided us and on their above all emotional support, sometimes even practical. .
Parents with too high expectations (he is very good, he can do this or that and even more) or too low (he will not succeed), or who do not recognize and honor the results achieved, which do not accompany learning, who do not support in 'commitment and preparation, which do not encourage learning from mistakes and "defeats" (or even punish, demean, deride), which underline the value of "victory" and not "participation", lay the foundations for a lack of esteem in themselves.
Attribution style influences self-esteem
To whom we give responsibility for our results, whether we believe (or not) that we can achieve the desired goal or know how to deal with a failure is part of what is called the “locus of control” or “attribution style”. If it is external, all successes and failures depend on external factors (the test was easy, I was lucky or, on the contrary, it was too difficult, others are angry with me, I was unlucky); when it is internal, on the other hand, the responsibility for the outcome is attributed to it (for example: I did it because I made a commitment; I failed because I am incapable or I did not prepare myself sufficiently).
With a good sense of self-worth, attributing a success to oneself increases self-esteem; the attribution of a failure can lead in two directions: towards dis-esteem (if self-esteem is vacillating) or towards a constructive remodeling and reformulation of commitment and objectives. The ideal is a right mix of internal and external locus of control. First of all it is important to observe the difference: does a certain situation really depend on me or on others? Objectively, is it something in which I can intervene, which falls within my range / possibility of action and choice or does it depend on others and to what extent? If it falls within my "control area", what can I do in general and, concretely, by defining objectives, sub-objectives, commitments and strategies?
A vicious or virtuous circle
High or low, self-esteem tends to reproduce in the direction known to you. If it is low, it tends to induce a vicious circle that leads to a sort of "learned helplessness": negative beliefs and expectations will produce thoughts, behaviors, emotions that will favor the bad "outcome"; the repetition of the unsuccessful situation will negatively affect the motivation, the commitment, laying other foundations for "failures". All the more so if these will be evaluated negatively, mocked. This consolidates the belief of not being valid, of not being able, of not being able to succeed or the idea that the responsibility is not one's own but that of others.
On the contrary, success, the experience of personal effectiveness, the ability to treasure mistakes and learn from "failures", social recognition nourish a good level of self-esteem which - in a virtuous circle - will induce greater motivation and commitment in face successive challenges, with the conviction of being able to win them or in any case take advantage and experience from them.
Read: Self-sabotage: how to avoid becoming your own worst enemy
Recognize, honor and value what one is
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb trees it will spend its entire life believing that it is stupid, ”which means self-esteem close to subzero levels. If this is what Einstein said, that perhaps he understood something of genius, it is to be believed. One of the reasons why self-esteem often hesitates is in fact precisely because of the incorrect comparison of oneself with the prevailing cultural and performance models: if the world asks you to be a leopard and you are a fish (and you don't know it), it is (perhaps) almost normal to feel inadequate. The alternative is to re-discover oneself: to rediscover one's original goals, those that move the heart and the deepest emotions; identify their abilities and make them strong points, welcome their less strong characteristics and make them an opportunity for development and growth. Leaving the homologated mass of desires, aspirations, life and career prospects to rediscover what is really important.
According to Rollo May, self-esteem develops when the person is willing to recognize his own "being-there", responding with congruence to the Self and remaining himself. Self-esteem arises spontaneously and comes back strong when we are authentic, in contact with our soul and our spirit, when we have the courage to express our authenticity and individuality (resisting the stresses of the world that would like to flatten us, uniform us, repress our beauty unica): when we accept that we are the unique and unrepeatable seed that we are. That flower that has its unreproducible perfume. That fish with its colors and movement. They therefore choose the ideal terrain and environment to manifest themselves.
Whatever the starting point and the current state, it is good to remember that "it never arrived"; as Walter Pasini recalls: "self-esteem is a flower that must be watered every day". Alone or with the support of a professional, the important thing is to do it: not to be "cool", not to "break the world" but to be able to "be", fully manifest in a constructive way, for us and for everyone, the our Self and our talents. And so, to live - also - happier and more satisfied, navigating with more presence among the daily things of life.
Read also: How to find and increase self-esteem in 10 steps
