Best Of Game Notes Vol. 4

Ignominy is the word my mother used for the Cubs’ last two weeks -- and she doesn’t even watch baseball. An incurring of public disgrace. Humiliation, embarrassment, disrepute, and discomfiture. They were that bad.



With the aim of putting it behind us, I offer the best Game Notes from the games.



(For the record, I was calling him Freddy “Boom-Boom” Bynum by Game 39; Bob didn’t start until Game 40. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Brenly! Not that I care about stuff like that, of course -- we’re all on the same side, here.)

• The Nationals announcers can’t believe Dusty shuffled 4 lineup spots a half hour before the game. We can.
  
  
• Barrett tries a SAC bunt. The Nationals announcers ask, “When’s the last time you saw a cleanup hitter try to lay a SAC bunt in the 4th inning?” Welcome to the 2006 Cubs, guys.
  
  
• Man, I love when the Cubs play bad teams. (Pot kettle black?) Despite failing to get Pierre in from third with one out, he scores as a ball gets past Zimmerman.
  
  
• OK, I swear I was typing this before he hit the HR: I think we should nickname Bynum “Freddy Boom-Boom Bynum.” Then he blasts one to the centerfield basket in a moment of exquisite timing, just as I’m typing the second Boom. Mr. Kotter would be so proud, Freddy!
  
  
• That short guy playing Diet Cola in the new Bacardi Commercials – that rules. Nothing like midgets in disco pants picking up coked out floozies. It’s so crazy, it just might actually happen in real life, I find myself thinking...
  
  
• KJM & I are trading e-mails about the Cubs starting lineup.
  
  JCB: Neifi must have good career numbers against the Nationals' starter.
  (sarcasm)
  
  KJM: He is 0-11 when playing 3B and 0-1 when hitting out of the 6 hole and
  0-2 against WAS this season and 3-26 against WAS last year. I don't know about you, but I think Dusty is playing a hunch and I am expecting a huge game out of the Neifi today. Tremendous Upside Potential here.
  (more sarcasm)
  
  
• Fan Cam: 2 for 11. I do like the sign, “Don’t boo our Cubs,” though. Well worded.
  
  
• Brenly actually calls Freddy “Boom Boom Bynum.” No way! That’s some fine synchronicity friends.
  
  
• Neifi bunts?!? Out 1-3. WTF? OK, let the Neifi bashing begin. And Dusty – why is Neifi batting 6th again? That was just a dumb move through and through.
  
  
• KJM: “Told you I had a feeling about the Neifi.”
  
  
• Dye singles, Pierzynski singles, and Neifi’s throw to first – which was like 2 full seconds late anyway – gets away. Dye to third. I think I can summarize what we’re all thinking: “Frickin’ Neifi.”
  
  
• Fan Cam: 1 for 4 in part 1, 4.5 for 6 in part 2, overall 5.5 for 10. The half point is for an attractive woman who was hanging all over her boyfriend or someone during the camera shot.
  
  
• Barrett's been on edge -- we saw it the other game with Roberts as well. [...] And how can anyone on the Cubs not be on edge? They were 14-10. Now they're 17-25. 3-15... That's a .1666666 winning percentage. And 2 of those wins were over the Nationals, so it's almost like they don't even count.
  
  
• Why are they cheering Pierzynski? All he did was stand there like a punk after Barrett clocked him.
  
  
• Rich Waltz & Tommy Hutton on FSN Florida are making fun of Len Kasper looking like Matt Murton. Ha! And they’re right!
  
  
• Jones singles, but Ramirez hits into a 6-4-3 DP. At least they’re keeping those LOB numbers down.
  
  
• Bynum in as Dusty pulls another 5th inning double switch. At this point, why not just let Novoa hit? What, Bynum needs the practice more than Murton? [...]Wait, Niefi is batting? Why double switch with Novoa then? Ahhh!!!!
  
  
• At least Cubs fans are boozing, as FSN [Florida] captures the action.
  
  
• If you ever thought Len & Bob were dry with their humor, try FSN Florida. These guys have to be the worst in the league. Apparently payroll cuts go all the way down. Guys, Chimichanga Casino jokes simply are not funny.
  
  
• My man T, putting it succinctly: “It's unwatchable baseball”
  
  
• As Wood dons the jacket at first base, it occurs to me that the Marlins announcer, Waltz, shouldn’t say things like “But it’s tradition, and Wood will strap it on.”
  
  
• I switched to ESPN for the Pistons game preview during a commercial, and immediately switched back. I can’t stand Steven A. Smith any more. If they teamed him with Bill Walton, it might be the fifth circle of Hell.
  
  
• Thinking about it, can you imagine those two bickering and sputtering at each other, trying to go over the top?
  Walton: “Dwyane Wade is just incredible, the most gifted athlete in several generations. We’re witnessing history right here. You know, if Jesus were black, this is probably what his game would have looked like – Wade is just the complete package.”
  Smith: “You saying my man J.C. wasn’t black? How you know that? Why you gotta be hatin?”
  
  
• Gerardi comes out to the mound on a 1-2 count. Odd for a manager, but once a catcher, always a catcher I suppose.
  
  
• You know, Miguel Cabrera kind of looks like a Venezuelan Fred Savage.
  
  
• Wait, they’re having a Mike Jacobs t-shirt giveaway on Jewish Heritage Day in Miami? Can they do that? Plus it’s doctor/hospital run the bases day? I am flabbergasted.
  
  
• For being a sparse crowd, there is some fine fan cam action for FSN Florida. (Yeah alliteration!)
  
  
• How can they play the chicken dance with the bases loaded in the 9th? No wonder attendance is like 4,000 a game.
  
  
• Getaway day! (Inevitably, this will be sponsored by Southwest Airlines. It’s just a matter of time.)
  
  
• Jacobs strikes out looking, and Brenly calls the cut fastball moving onto the inside corner to lefties “A Maddux.” As in, that’s what players will nickname Maddux’s signature pitch. I get his point, but can’t we agree that it sounds stupid? At least, “A Maddux special” or something else that has a ring to it.
  
  
• Uggla triples off the clock on the left field wall. Len and Bob are in pun heaven. “Clocked one” ... “Hand it to him” ... “Time to make a good pitch” ...
  
  
• Fan cam is 6 for 14. Not bad with a sparse crowd, and bonus points for Jimmy Buffett.
  
  
• Novoa is in, and he sucks as usual. A single, a walk, and a 3 run HR by Cabrera. 9-3 Marlins.
  
  
• They play Bob Dylan on his birthday: “The answer is blowing in the wind.” Maybe, but the answer isn’t the only thing blowing these days in Cubville.
  
  
• Zambrano walks Giles to leadoff. Then he walks Andruw Jones with two outs. Then he walks LaRoche to load the bases. Then he walks Francoeur, to push in a run... Francouer being a guy who NEVER draws walks. The word here, Cub fans, is flabbergasted -- that’s how utterly astonishing it is how the Cubs find new ways to sabotage themselves.
  
  
• Bob Brenly said some guys probably got away with noogies during the White Sox fight. Noogies, Bob? Maybe they all got together for a post game pillow fight, too?
  
  
• Betemit doubles, as Jones lost it in the sun and the ball landed right next to him. That breaks Z’s no hit bid. How are these things even possible? Seriously, this entire month is farcical.
  
  
• Andruw Jones lifts a SAC fly with one out, and Neifi boots the catch on the relay throw. That lets an extra run score. To top it off, Neifi airmails the throw home, and Renteria takes third. E4, E4, a double error play by Neifi, and it’s 6-5 Braves. Unbelievable. I hereby declare a double reverse anti-jinx on all uses of the phrase, “Just when you thought they’d bottomed out” and “finding new ways to lose.”
  
  
• Tim McCarver and Joe Buck are summarizing how agonizing the Cubs month has been for the national audience. Let’s just say I wouldn’t mind if someone snipped their mic cables.
  
  
• McCarver says it’s a telltale sign that a team that’s used 4 second basemen is losing. Actually, it would be a telltale sign if all (or most) losing teams used too many second basemen, but who’s counting syllogistic or category logic fallacies, right Tim?
  
  
• It occurs to me that perhaps I’m bitter.
  
  
• Fan Cam: 8 for 10. Joe Buck mentions that he “senses a theme” in that edition, the theme being attractive women mainly of the blonde variety. Tim totally misses his gist, and talks about the theme on the north side being losing. Seems like a telltale sign of dense broadcasting there, Tim.
  
  
• Joe mentions the Cubs are 0 for 10 with RISP. Yeah, I’m bitter.
  
  
• Neifi triples. He missed a HR by an inch, literally. With all those RBIs today, Neifi, all is forgiven!
  
  
• This has to be the single worst May loss in the history of Chicago Cubs baseball. [...] Props to everyone in the crowd who stayed until the end, though.
  
  
• KJM: “With Rammy's 11th inning offering off of his head, coupled with the Neifi double error, the Cubs have to be able to put the best blooper tape together of anyone in MLB this year. Not even the Royals are finding as many creative ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.”
  
  
• No jokes today. I just kept thinking, “please, please win this game...”