The Neifi

By JCB on Wednesday, November 9, 2005

There are a lot of people upset that the Cubs resigned Neifi Perez, and I am one of them. I'm not saying that Neifi is not a decent shortstop, and defensively he occasionally sparkles. It's just that what the Cubs desperately need are players that will produce more runs, and a shortstop with such a low on-base percentage and who hit into so many double plays without much pop in his bat leads to leaky lineups. I'm all for giving Hendry more time to see of what the bigger picture consists, but on the other hand, if the season started tomorrow, who would be the odds on favorite for starting at shortstop?



Rather than spend any more time rehashing a situation that is already getting an abundance of chatter, however, I'm going to offer several possible real explanations for the signing. I can't promise that they're all funny, but we'll do our best. (Thanks to some friends for chipping in a few of these, and I'd love to hear more, so if you've got one, drop it in the comments.)


  • It's just so hard to find a reliable babysitter for Darren Baker who's willing to travel with the team, let alone someone that's bi-lingual, which is very important these days among high society. (Feel free to emphasize "high.")

  • There Jim Hendry was, as drunk as Andy MacPhail, watching Orange County on HBO in a hotel suite, when they saw the following exchange:
    "Listen, do you want me to call Public Safety?"

    "Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?"
    After they finally stopped giggling, Jim asked, "Hey, what's that revolution band you've been listening to?" "What," Andy answered, "do you mean O.A.R.?" "Yeah, that's it." Drunken Jim began to sing, "That was a crazy game of poker... and I lost it all." Before they knew what was happening, they were both singing and clinking their glasses together like Irishmen.

    When they finally calmed down, Jim turned to Andy and said, "You know who likes to play poker? Paul Kinzer. Neifi's agent. He's always up for a good game. You want me to give him a call?"

  • KJM: Dusty thinks Neifi Perez is Spanish for Juan Uribe and that seemed to work for the Sox.

  • KJM: Maybe Neifi is the answer in the bullpen.

  • KJM: Jose Macias needed someone to take Salsa lessons with.

  • Hendry has been watching "My Name is Earl" and started his own karma list. #77 reads, "Stuck Neifi Perez in the locker next to Sammy in 2004."

  • If the Cubs make it to the playoffs and start growing beards, let's face it: Neifi will look a lot cooler than Nomar, and Cedeno would just look downright scary. We're talking Julian Tavarez kind of freaky.

  • An e-mail from AWL:
    I don't think there is a joke here, the Cubs are just going in a new direction.

    I just got offered the starting 2nd base position based on my 2 good months at the plate in softball, 3 home runs, 2 triples, and a handful of doubles. I think the clincher was my 1.000 on base percentage over the last 5 games.

    But seriously with all the displaced voodoo practitioners from the hurricanes your guess is as good as mine as to who is controlling Jim Henry's actions.

    I googled neifi jokes, the results had me laughing out loud. First entry was your A&I retrospective link and the third was a link to his stats, if that doesn't sum up the signing I don't know what does.

  • Nobody else is willing to sacrifice a live chicken to get more power, a la Pedro Cerrano. I mean, who else can channel Jo Buu?

  • Mia Hamm Day was a flop. ("Oooooh," I hear. That one might have been below the belt.)

  • After Libby, the nickname "Scooter" is making a comeback, and every team needs someone that fits. In fact, I hereby declare that we shall begin calling him "Scooter Perez."

  • Stewie Griffin teamed up with the Brain when he overheard him say, "The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world!" We're looking at Phase 1 of their quest for World Domination.

  • Neifi, excuse me, Scooter is the only guy who still laughs when Dusty Baker jokes, "You got served!"

  • You can never have too many guys with connections from the Dominican Republic when it comes time for the guys at the Tribune Company to consider off-shore accounts.

  • There is a little known "limbo contest clause" in the Cubs team charter document.

  • "The Neifi" sounds like something from The O.C., which is totally, like, Dusty's absolute FAVORITE show, dude. So, like, he didn't want to put it off until after Chrismukkah.


Anyway, that's what I can come up with. Any possible explanations I'm forgetting?
Posted Wednesday, November 9, 2005 by JCB
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