Best Of Game Notes Vol. 11

Well, we've given up by now, but that's no reason we can't get some humor from the last two weeks. Here are the best of Game Notes, in just such an attempt.

• Via e-mail: "cubs on tv soon......boy do they swing at alot of bad pitches...maybe i can make a comeback as a batting coach..dad"
  
  
• KJM reporting on the pregame show on AM Radio says that Dusty had this one about Jerome Williams: "Well, he brought some spiritual love from Hawaii with him." Alright...
  
  
• Williams walks Furcal on 4 pitches. Bob Brenley, on Furcal: "He's nimble, he's quick. He can jump over a candlestick." Is that dactylic tetrameter? (Quick: name your poetry meters other than iambic.)
  
  
• Williams: 7 2/3 IP, 1R, 3H, 3W, 5Ks. He had great stuff. Spiritual love from Hawaii, eh? See Len: baseball is a mystic game. Respect that, and stop mentioning no hitters directly.
  
  
• Francoeur's SI cover title was "THE NATURAL?" WEAK. They should have gone with something like "HOMEGROWN." (Add your own High Times retort.) Or, "THE ATL NEW SKOOL." Chonkyfire. Just ask Andre Benjamin.
  
  
• The hole in Patterson's swing is back, and in full effect. Right now, he couldn't hit an alien in Contra if he had Spray Gun.
  
  
• Why do women persist in rolling up the bottom of their jeans?
  
  
• KJM: "Nice of Dusty to bring Prior back out for the 7th when he was already over the 100 pitch mark. He finished with over 130 pitches and is at 490 pitches in his last 4 starts. I am usually not one for watching pitch counts as I think the pitchers should be old school and pitch the first of a double header and catch for the second Double-Duty style, but in today's age when pitchers arms are trained to only pitch 100 every 5th day, you need to start thinking about it. 490 pitches in four outings and one was on short rest can only lead to trouble. Am I the only one noticing that Dusty is riding Prior like a 4 year old on the penny horse ride at Walmart?"
  
  
• Vargas singles. Isn't that the name for Bizarro-Newman in Seinfeld?
  
  
• Which is more annoying: watching Juan Pierre steal bases all day long or watching WGN continually advertise "Race Car Driver" ("A Superstation WGN original.")
  
  
• Cabrera doubles. 2 RBI, 7-0 Marlins. On a Friday afternoon, beer sales must be astronomical right now.
  
  
• Fan cam goes 6 for 13, and some of those girls were not wearing a bra.
  
  
• Lee Smith gives us a wonderful lounge-singer rendition of the stretch. Solid A. That guy has some flare.
  
  
• Typing up my notes, the Cosby Show comes on. Which was the worst Cosby Show opening song montage? I think it was the tropical dance sequence. What was Bill thinking?
  
  
• I wonder whether he was only going back out for the 9th because he still wants to win 15 this year, and knew he was pitching well enough to deserve a W. Instead, another L where Maddux got jobbed. He's getting screwed more often than Samantha. (Have you heard that Sex and the City is coming to Superstation WGN 7 nights a week? Be there from the beginning!)
  
  
• How about the Lawton trade? Left field on the north side is officially a revolving door. Sweet. Odds on Neifi getting a start in left before September 1 are down to 3-1, or you can parlay that with a Macias start in left for 11-2.
  
  
• DING!
  
  
• Remlinger designated for assignment by Boston. Ouch. He flopped worse than Davinci's Inquest is about to.
  
  
• Beckett runs a curveball in on Hairston. He should have let it hit him. Bob Brenley: "Take one for the team."
  
  
• Pierre doubles with 1 out. At least that was a real hit. Bob Brenley: "This guy could triple on a whiffle ball field."
  
  
• Alfonseca is ejected. I haven't had this much fun during a Cubs game in weeks! Alfonseca is crazy, although I'd still want him on my all-time Cubs barfight team.
  
  
• Alfonseca won't give up the baseball as he exits. That makes no sense. I love it. I would bet anything that he's talking in the third person right now. "Nobody mess with Antonio Alfonseca 'dis way. Antonio will kill him."
  
  
• Fan cam goes 4 for 12. Free pass for the heavy Sandberg emphasis. Plus bonus points for playing the Bodeans "Good things."
  
  
• E5. Nomar threw wide of Walker at second. Williams is taken down for Wellemeyer. It's the second inning...is it too early to double switch Cedeno for Neifi?
  
  
• You know who wears Aqua Velva? Quagmire on the Family Guy. Yeah.
  
  
• Wood is in for a 1-2-3 inning. See you in '06, Kerry!
  
  
• Wuertz is in. The 'W' is for walk.
  
  Wuertz walks Kent.
  
  
• I'm not the only one who thinks that Hendry is forcing Dusty to play Murton with the Hollandsworth trade, right?
  
  
• With Len's voice hurting, Bob Brenley is reading WGN promos. Now that is funny.
  
  
• Len: "I think 'phlegm' might have to be the word of the night." ON FIRE.
  
  
• Bob reading the Bud Light promos is the best yet. "Smooth and refreshing Bud Light. Great taste for your great times."
  
  
• Bob to Len: "By the way, I have some remedies for that throat I'll give you after the ballgame, but I think it best we wait until after we're off duty." This just keeps getting better.
  
  
• Bob Brenley says he's going to see the White Stripes. Len asks if the Greenhornes are opening. That's just remarkable -- I heard the Greenhornes on Morning Becomes Eclectic this morning. Len is on top of this stuff.
  
  
• SUICIDE SQUEEZE! YES! THIS RULES! Can you feel this? There's a new energy. 2006 is gonna be the year...
  
  
• Another Wuertz at bat. I think he's borrowing a batting helmet, since it has a few scratches. Unless he got those in his last at bat, when Dusty stretched out the bullpen and sabotaged the whole Mets series. Not that I'm still harboring resentment or anything.
  
  
• Williamson got a haircut. It doesn't look like him at all. Maybe the Hollandsworth trade made him afraid that Hendry is getting rid of all the long haired freaky people.
  
  
• KJM: "Patterson at second? I will have to take your word for it since I did not watch the game, but I would have guessed he was in at center with Hairston in left, but what do I know. Either that or you are still wokring off the bender from yesterday when you didn't know what team the Cubs were playing."
  
  
• KJM: "Tesla rocks!!!"
  
  
• JCB: "Are you trying to say I need an editor? What, just because I keep making stupid mistakes like calling the Dodgers the Marlins, or because I called center 'second?' Anyone can have a bad week you know. It could have been worse, like how Bob Brenley called Derek Lowe 'Derek Lee' at least twice yesterday. (And I checked to see how Derek Lowe spells his name to make sure I at least got that right.)"
  
  
• KJM: "Quality control for a discriminating audience"
  
  
• [FSN Pitt's] Steve Blass drops in a "lollygagging." Very nice. You know what that makes you?
  
  
• With Barrett up, Blass gives us this gem: "Wouldn't it be great if the Cubs had a pitcher named Grin? You know, Grin and Barrett."
  
  
• I just added Night Court to my TiVo yesterday. Man that show is funny. Mel Torme. Ha!
  
  
• Walker singles on a hit and run, which otherwise would have been a groundout. Two games in a row! Be still my heart. Too bad it took until game 135.
  
  
• Hope you needed your Neifi & Patterson fix, because Cedeno & Murton are out again.
  
  
• Fan cam goes 3 for 12. With the Pittsburgh "special needs" grading curve, that's probably an A-.
  
  
• There's a drunk guy dancing in a Cubs jersey. Bob: "Dancing to music that only he can hear."