Best of Game Notes Vol. 6
Volume 6 is a day late. My apologies. I was able to 'borrow' wireless internet yesterday in my new apartment complex, but I was too tired to work on anything other than half-assed unpacking. Today, though, Time Warner came and installed my digital cable and internet, plus I have the MLB Extra Innings package all set to go. (Why don't they prorate it? The season is almost half over, but I'm paying full price.) Anyway, here's the best of the last two weeks.
- KEJ: "Ronny Woo Woo.. now that was hilarious. I could barely understand a word he was saying. It was almost a mix between a White Sox fan that hangs out in a US Cell parking lot during the game looking for a gang fight and Mike Tyson after quitting in the 6th round. Seriously, I love Ronny.. but he's got to stick to the Woo's that made him famous."
- Lee cuts down Lowell at third base on a ground ball hit sharply to him. Awesome play. Plays like that are even cooler than watching him slap base hits around.
- Now Lo Duca steals second. Christ. He's the catcher, right?
- I'm getting out drank by a lot. Holy hell. I think I'm down a full beer on the people I'm with, and I'm drinking pretty fast, I thought. What the hell is going on? I didn't realize I signed up for Mission Intoxication Hyperdrive.
- Gonzalez doubles as well. I might as well just pick up the drinking pace, I suppose. This blows.
- Willis singles. That's two hits for the frickin' pitcher in one inning. I think Willis has a horseshoe up his ass this season.
- Watching this inning is like watching Friends after Chandler & Monica got together. It's brutal. Except I can't stop watching the Cubs.
- Mushin Mohammad sings the stretch. I have no idea how to spell his name, to be honest.
- After the inning, there was a mass Exodus. I think at least half the crowd is gone. So much for 'Believe.' Part of this has to be because beer sales were cut off, too.
- Heard in the stands: "She's hot in a dirty way." JCB: "Is there any other way?"
- We're sitting on the aisle, so people keep making us stand up to get past. JCB: "Good thing I've been practicing on the stairmaster." TYW: "This is Joel, everybody. He'll be here for another week and a half."
- Walker & Hollandsworth single. JCB: "It's the Todd Squad!" TYW: "You fag."
- The pitching coach comes out to Bentz. I imagine it went something like this: "Listen, we're not going to win this game. If you can't get these assholes out, it's your problem. We're not warming anyone else up, OK? Get them out, or we're hanging you out to dry."
- Drinking at Sheffield's after the game, and one of these girls that TYW knew was talking about sprinting, and how it made her sore. Other girl: "You know what really made me sore? Fucking kickball." JCB: "Fucking who?" Big laughs. Later, TYW: "That better make the Best of Game Notes."
- I can't believe I did this, but I left my scorecard with my Game Notes at the bar before I came home yesterday. Son of a bitch. What a debacle of a game, too. I guess that's why I proceeded to get absolutely plowed in the bleachers, and at least 6 bars afterward.
- Wait, why is Wilson at second base? Why not leave Walker at second, and let Dubois DH? Hell, why not let Zambrano hit, rather than Enrique fat-ass Wilson?
- I'm watching Can't Hardly Wait between innings on one of the HBO channels. I love this movie. So many actors ended up in other stuff - 2 from Six Feet Under, 1 from Carnivale, and 1 from Road Trip, besides Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was in the Family Guy among other stuff that I'm sure exists but which I can't think of.
- Len & Bob refuse to mention that Giambi used steroids. They're talking all around it, going on about his drop off. Just say it already.
- Len mentions that Wilson was a Yankee. Is that why Dusty is playing him? Because that seems like an awful dumb reason, I have to say.
- Ernie Banks is in the stands hitting on chicks. Awesome.
- Lee is caught stealing on a pitchout. You tip your cap there, because you don't see calls like that too often in interleague play. That's just good scouting and/or managing.
- Len is plugging a Double Door show. Somehow I can't imagine Chip Caray at the Double Door. I don't think he rolls with the plebeians.
- Supposedly Beauty and the Geek is "this summer's hottest new show."
- How did 'pre-owned' become a real word? George Carlin is right -- there's hardly ever a reason to attach pre as a prefix. The Mercedes is just 'owned.'
- My roommate thinks the drunk dancing blonde chick is more than drunk. I can't disagree...
- KJM: "Jennifer Love Hewitt was not in the Family Guy to my knowledge, try again with that reference you might be thinking of Mila Kunis."
- KJM: " Maybe you could see Chip Carey with some Nubians though."
- Oh no, Jennifer Love Hewitt was definitely in the Family Guy. After listening to her conversation at a restaurant with highpowered spy equipment, Peter thinks Lois is cheating on him, so they get marriage counselling. The counsellor advises them to take a trial separation, so Peter goes out with Jennifer to make her jealous. Lois goes out with Quagmire and runs into them. Great stuff.
- We get Joe Buck today. He's Fox's #1 team, right? That also means Tim McCarver, though. Look for him to make a point early and then bring it up 5 to 8 times.
- Joe Buck introduced Scooter (the animated baseball) in a Scooter impersonating voice. Holy Christ. This is Fox Saturday afternoon baseball? Can we get Stuart Scott to introduce ebonics Scooter instead?
- Patterson lets one drop in front of him. For God's sake. Corey Patterson looks as uncomfortable as any scene where Kirsten has to cry in The OC.
- Joe Buck suggests that the Cubs scouting report is to swing at the first pitch. No, Joe, they just do that against anyone. And wouldn't you know it, Tim says the Cubs have a free swinging lineup. I'm reminded of a proverb about a blind big and an acorn.
- The Chevy sign is projected onto the screen behind home plate. The problem is that it's projected onto Burnitz, who's in front of the screen. It would take Fox a perfect broadcast from here on out to get a B-.
- Dubois homers to lead off the inning, on the first pitch. The last time Enrique Wilson hit one that well, umm, OK so it probably never happened. I feel like rubbing that in, Dusty, until you apologize. I can deal with manager's hunches, but Enrique Wilson is not a hunch -- that's just bad Thai food rumbling.
- He walks Cano. Dusty takes Hill down. What is he doing? Now he's bringing in Borowski to face Jeter with the bases loaded? AHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Please get a ground ball. Please get a ground ball. Please get a ground ball. Please get a ground ball. Please get a ground ball. Please get a ground ball.
- Jeter hits a grand slam. That's more RBIs in one at-bat than the Cubs get out of the leadoff spot in a normal month.
- The Sandlot is on ABC Family -- good for commercial break viewing. If this game follows the form of the first two, I might have to keep watching the movie instead just to remember why I like baseball. You're killing me, Smalls.
- I wish my TiVo could add a feature to automatically return to a channel during channel surfing after a set amount of time. How hard could that be to program? I mean, guys channel surf, but we hate missing the start of an inning. It should be able to help with that.
- I was reading a review comparing Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes) to Bob Dylan. No, he's more like Corey Patterson. They both came up young and put up better than average material, but have yet to figure out how to mature and take it to the next level.
- Arby's has the 'O-face' guy from Office Space doing commercials. Do you think people recognize him on the street and do that line to him? I do.
- Giambi walks, and takes third on a hit and run. If the Yankees can do that with frickin' Giambi, why can't the Cubs do it with anyone?
- Rodriguez singles. It went just under Neifi's glove, and he should have reached that one. He's having as bad a weekend as Sinbad's opening. Did you know that smart industry people estimate that Sinbad lost 100 million dollars for Universal? Just think what the Royals could do with that money.
- Benny Rodriguez got the ball, but the Beast broke free of his chain. The Beast is unleashed. Run, Benny!
- Rodriguez reaches on E6. God, don't make me make another Sinbad joke about Neifi.
- Neifi: 1-2-3 double play. Son of a bitch. He's having as bad a series as he can. Was he out whoring in Queens every night or something? Seriously, can Hairston play shortstop?
- Walker gets an RBI on a fielder's choice. Tino Martinez robbed a hit. Giambi doesn't make that play. Frickin' Joe Torre. How come Dusty's moves never work out like that?
- Went to the Oasis Concert last night, then got PLOWED at the bar til 3:30am. I'm just getting up now, and have this one on the TiVo to watch before heading up to Milwaukee tonight for the next game.
- Never mind. I accidentally set the TiVo to record the White Sox / Royals game instead of the Cubs game last night. Damn it. What was I thinking? And why is the room still spinning? [Editor's note: multiple people called in to Mac, Jurko & Harry on ESPN 1000 to complain about the schedule guide mistake. I felt better after that.]
- Between innings, the scoreboard flashes: "Suzi Will you marry me? Mike." This is bad enough, but all around me I hear women say "Awwwww." Come on, people. This is done so often now that it's not even that cool a proposal.
- Do you realize that Hollandsworth's batting average and RBI numbers are as good as Patterson's now?
- Ramirez fields a hot shot to third. Great play. I think he's my Chevy player of the game. Although the way Williams pitched, maybe I have to do what I'm sure Ron is doing and split the award.
- Heard in the stands: "So, who's watching the kids?" Other guy: "Holy shit!" I don't think the guy was joking, either.
- I'm noticing that short skirts are back in style this year. RDS: "In general, that's a good thing."
- RDS: "That guy's getting a little liberal with his saliva" (as he wipes spit off his arm from the loudass behind him).
- Another Dusty Screwball lineup. CP is back to first, Dubois is fifth, Burnitz hops down to sixth, Niefi slides to second, and Hairston is in batting eighth. What is this?
- With two outs in the bottom of the first, Bob Brenley finally decides to join the conversation. JCB: "Is that the first time he's talked?" JMI: "Yep, other than introducing the lineups." JCB: "Christ."
- Hairston makes a great play up the middle. He knocks it down, then throws to first from his knees. I figure that's a web gem. (I wish I had a better joke there. I know web gems are overused.)
- Hairston makes another great play on a 3-4-1 putout. The ball ricocheted off of Lee, and Hairston spears it barehanded in the air and flips it to Hill covering first, just in time. 2 web gems in one inning. Wow.
- Borowski is in. Odds on avoiding a HR? Not favorable. 2,3,4 due up.
- I'm trying some new Dove ice cream. "Toffee Caramel Moment." Not bad, but it's no Ben & Jerry's. How do they do it?
- Carlos Lee blasted a 2-out home run. Umm, yeah. We used to call that a Hawkins special, back in the days when we longed for Joe Borowski.
- Have you seen the new Bacardi & Cola commercials? Bacardi is a white guy, Cola is a black guy, and they're in these retro coked out scenarios. Awesome. This almost makes up for the existence of the Bacardi Party Pak.
- Weeks spells his first name R-I-C-K-I-E. Seems feminine to me. I'm just saying.
- Day two of the "CP at Leadoff, Revisited" experiment.
- Wait a second...the sausage race is fixed? Bob Brenley claims to have known who would win ahead of time.
- Wait, Macias is going to SAC bunt? He lays down a good bunt, but why not have Rusch bunt and then pull him? Dusty? Can you please explain this?
- Alright Corey -- a runner on third with one out. GET THIS RUN IN! [...] Nope -- K on a neck high fastball. Again. Screw this. Can Hairston play centerfield and start every day this weekend? Give CP some time to figure his shit out. I mean, he's wearing the frickin' golden sombrero today.
- Fan cam: 4 for 9. Two chicks were holding a sign saying "Let us in your locker room!" But, why? Do they think this is the NBA or something?
- Did you know P drives a Diet Pepsi truck?
- Heard in the stands [at U.S. Cellular]: "This sound system is a lot better than Wrigley." JCB: "What are you talking about? Do they even have a real organ?"
- Ozuna singles. Podsednik singles on a hit & run. (See how that works, Dusty?)
- Lee strikes out looking, and he's not happy about it. What umpire can feel confident about ringing up Derrek Lee right now? I mean, every commentator on every sports media network in the country has said "He's seeing the ball really well right now."
- Caught this one on the radio while I was packing. I had to return my Comcast cable box in the morning before the game. It was a bit of a rough morning, too, after staying out until 3:15am for my "So long, Chicago" party / bar outing. My sister offered to let me borrow her car since mine was in Texas, but I asked her for a ride instead because I would have felt guilty driving her car while still being FAR from sober at 10:45am.
Mike Purse, covering with guest Game Notes
- Paula Creamer is still in contention in the Women's US Open. Screw Michelle Wie, I think Paula is hot. Kind of like D. Patrick with an eight iron instead of a pedal.
- I had notes written down, but Phatty threw them in the wastebasket by accident (confirmed). All I know is that I was disappointed that Prior did not get a shot to finish a quick 7th, and the Cubs small balled another run on a SAC fly from Walker I think. Great game for the Cubs. Still gotta like their Wild Card chances.
- Oh, and Birdie Kim had the luckiest bunker shot I've ever seen. What do you think about [that] Mr. Famous Golf Writer McCleery? Not much trajectory on that, huh.
- Also, Joel-the Cubs play about .800 ball when I fill in on game notes. Why don't you trip over a big plate of brisket down there in Austin and hit the 15 day DL. That should be enough time to lock up the division.
Thanks to Purse for covering that last game for me. If the Cubs could get into contention for the division, I'd be happy to contribute a trip and face plant via a BBQ platter. On to the next two weeks...
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They do lessen the price, but you would have had to wait a little longer.