Best of Game Notes Vol. 4

Well, another two weeks are behind us, the Cubs are back at .500, and they just finished a winning homestand. In case you missed them (and I know you missed them), here's another round of Game Notes highlights.

• Back to Jerry Hairston leading off in the latest Dusty Baker ping pong ball lineup.
  
  
• Bob wants to wear a parrott suit to Buffett, like the Pirates mascot. I think Parrotheads all around are cringing. Question: is Bob a poser?
  
  
• CP strikes out (again) on a face high fastball. He gave the scouts a night off. Just business as usual for Corey.
  
  
• Barrett singles but Macias grounds out. 10 left on base. I think I'm getting a stress hump.
  
  
• Fan cam: even with the "Pittsburgh shift" those girls are not attractive.
  
  
• Ohman gets the 4-6-3 double play! What a dandy. (Yes, that is a shout out to Micki Morandini, the dandy glove man.)
  
  
• Bob suggests that maybe Dusty will use Will Ohman to come back and start the ninth. Obviously Bob hasn't been paying attention these first 36 games. This is not how Dusty does things. (Plus, I also think it's a bad idea.)
  
  
• Hollandsworth comes in to play defense, wearing eyeglasses. Huh?
  
  
• Bob hasn't spoken in about a minute and a half. This is tedious. I guess he thinks Kip Wells' slider speaks for itself.
  
  
• Burnitz is caught stealing on a pitchout. He really got hung out there. I can't believe Lloyd McClendon just outmanaged Dusty Baker.
  
  
• Hollandsworth? Aw, hell. I know he's due, but come on. Relief pitchers are like women: they can smell desperation.
  
  
• Hollandsworth singles! RBI for TH. He pulled an inside fastball past Ward. Yes! You can't start a fire without a spark. (I was completely wrong on this one. Thank god.)
  
  
• Wells gets a no-decision despite 8 innings of great pitching. Maybe Prior should buy him a shot to commiserate.
  
  
• Typing up my game notes, I put on the Phoenix / Dallas game. At halftime, Charles Barkley just said "My hockey brethren, who I really feel for..." Which brethren are those, exactly?
  
  
• Quote: “I can't believe Lloyd McClendon just outmanaged Dusty Baker.” KJM: “I can't believe you could even make this statement. I realize Lloyd is not good, but Dusty is flat out terrible. Give Dusty the Pirate lineup and he might find a way to lose every game.”
  
  
• Hollandsworth is batting second. Dusty: one fortunate hit does not a turnaround make.
  
  
• I'm sick of Comcast jokes, but not as sick as I am of their volume fluctuations.
  
  
• Aflac trivia question time. With Billy Williams in the booth, my answer is Billy Williams before I see the question.
  
  
• Nope - Ron Santo.
  
  
• Congratulations from Len for newborn Chase Tucker Somethingorother. They managed to get both prissy first names in for one person, as George Carlin would say.
  
  
• Interviewing Jenny Finch, I think Len is a bit excited.
  
  
• Oh boy! Comcast is covering the Bandits! Women's softball is so fun to watch!
  
  
• Dye kind of looks lost inbetween pitches. Of course, as I'm writing this note he crushes a HR.
  
  
• Another debut: Enrique Wilson. I'm underwhelmed. ("I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" "I think you can in Europe.")
  
  
• Ha! The Comcast mikes just picked up a "Bring back Stoney!" call from the crowd.
  
  
• Innings the Cubs threatened: 7. And that was on an E4 where Blanco gets all the way to second. This was just a pathetic day.
  
  
• It's good to see you again, Jeannie Zelasko.
  
  
• Kenny Albert & Jeff Torborg today on Fox. Better than Tim McCarver, that's for sure.
  
  
• White Sox GM Kenny Williams is black? I had no idea.
  
  
• Scooter the animated baseball isn't cool when I'm sober.
  
  
• Pierzynski is hit by Z's pitch. I don't even know if that hit him. If it did, it was the frickin' elbow pad. What a pansy. Plus, now we have bench warnings again. At least Dusty came out to argue.
  
  
• Do you think Fidel Castro watches his defectors on satellite?
  
  
• The first base umpire looks suspiciously like Hawk Harrelson as he rings up Lee on a check swing.
  
  
• After two strikeouts, Zambrano walks frickin' Contreras. The worst hitting pitcher in the league is up and Z walks him. HELL.
  
  
• Jeff Torborg just said something he shouldn't. I won't note it yet though in an attempt to double-reverse-anti-jinx the situation. Kenny didn't even want to mention it, and he's the play by play guy.
  
  
• Sure enough, a single by Konerko. Jeff jinxed the no hitter. Damn it.
  
  
• Bottom of the order, probably the last inning for Z, all things considered. […] Zambrano: 7IP, 0R, 1H and he gets the no-decision. Damned if you do, damned if you don't I guess, Dusty?
  
  
• LaTroy gives up a pinch hit homerun to Dye. AHHHHHHHH! At least Dusty pulled him for Bartosh.
  
  
• Harris singles, prompting another double-switch. Hairston is out for Enrique Wilson. I can't really see this helping.
  
  
• Macias pinch runs. Jesus. I have 8 people used so far in the 7th lineup spot today on my scorecard between double-switches, pitchers, and subs. Only Dusty could pull that off.
  
  
• Ashton Kutscher is producing a show on the WB called "Beauty and the Geek." What the hell is that all about?
  
  
• Wayne Messmer is better solo than he is with his wife Kathleen. I'm just saying.
  
  
• Rowand doubles. Burnitz almost got him at second. I mentioned to my dad how surprised I was that Burnitz plays such good defense. Dad: "Well, your clue should have been that he used to play centerfield for a lot of teams." I felt stupid, because he's dead on.
  
  
• Is it just me, or does McCarthy look exactly like Kramer's intern from NYU at Kramerica?
  
  
• Fan cam: 8 for 16, and it was a quality 8. Some of those chicks are stacked.
  
  
• Every Cubs commercial when I check the Pistons / Heat game it's a commercial. The NBA has too many commercials.
  
  
• Len makes a "note to self" joke with Self up. Ouch. I mean, I like bad jokes but that one was some rare vintage. (I recognize the bad joke regarding the bad joke.)
  
  
• Pat Hughes sings the stretch and joins Len for a visit. Is it just wishful thinking, or do Len & Pat have some on-air chemistry going? I mean, I don't want to break up Pat & Ron but I'd love to get someone good in place of Bob Brenley.
  
  
• Will Ohman has Len doing a-word-a-day, trying to fit a new word into every broadcast. I forgot to mention this yesterday. I LOVE this new development. Besides the fact that I get an AWAD e-mail every morning myself, Bob Brenley is going to look so stupid.
  
  
• John Franco is in! This guy is old enough to remember the original cocaine era, and what a fun Mets team that must have been. Franco makes more cameo appearances than Miko Lee. (Warning: do NOT google search Miko Lee at work.)
  
  
• Dempster is in to face what the Astros call the heart of their order. The way they're hitting, they need bypass surgery. *ba-dum...ching* (What a bad joke.)
  
  
• Typing up my notes, I switched over to the Pistons / Heat game again. The Miami cheerleaders are a LOT hotter than the '05 Luvabulls. It's like the Luvabulls held their tryouts in Pittsburgh.
  
  
• Patterson is out with a sore wrist after the collision with Burnitz yesterday. Unbelievable. At least we've got the "Enrique Wilson backup plan."
  
  
• Len just called Roger Clemens split-finger fastball "Mister Splitty." Oh. My. God.
  
  
• WGN is going a little heavy on the behind the plate camera shots, no?
  
  
• Did you see that dumb ho waving behind home plate, talking on her cellphone? "Like, ohmygod, am I really on TV? SHREEEEEK! Can you see me? Yeah, we're like totally right behind home plate. Look, I'm waving!" (Maybe the camera angle from behind home plate isn't so bad.)
  
  
• "Beauty & the Geek" (produced by Ashton Kutcher!) "pits the 'hotties' with the 'notties.'" That's just awful. I'd rather watch daytime programming on the BBC.
  
  
• Jeff Gordon gets booed for the worst seventh inning stretch we might have ever seen. I think he was worse than Ozzy or Ditka.
  
  
• Pursinator: “Joel, you forgot to mention anything about the Jeff Gordon 7th Inning Stretch. Man did he butcher that. He forgot most of the words, and was like three lines behind the rest of the crowd and organist. He was booed royally by most of the crowd. And I do not believe it was Dale Jr. keychain night at the park either.”
  
  
• Pursinator: “My bad, did not see you had a line with Gordon up there. Sorry I do not read these posts like I was taking the reading portion of the ACT. Gordon really was bad though.”
  
  
• JMI: "Maddux really has it goin today." Ensberg promptly hits a home run. Frickin' JMI. His excuse: "I knocked on wood. I didn't jinx him. Let the record show I knocked on wood."
  
  
• LaTroy gets 3 outs on 3 pitches. (Read that again.)
  
  
• Quick, off the top of my head, I can name 1 Rocky: Helton. That's not bad, is it?
  
  
• Bob & Len mentions that Jennings leads the NL in walks. That pits weakness against weakness, because the Cubs just don't take walks.
  
  
• Corey: RUN! STEAL SECOND! I mean that in like 24pt font.
  
  
• Why not Barrett seventh, Hollandsworth eighth? Umm, Dusty? Hollandsworth couldn't even hit with two outs against LaTroy Hawkins right now.
  
  
• Walker singles. RBI. That's what we've been missing. Well, that times three or four.
  
  
• Ramirez finally gets a hit, ending a slump that would rival my failure to pick up a woman during a bender in January 2001. (What, like you don't remember those drunken benders where you couldn't get a girl to hook up with you no matter what you tried? I think I've said too much.)
  
  
• Zambrano: if it's a decent bunt, throw to first. Avoid the big inning. Learn that lesson.
  
  
• Zambrano strikes out Helton. Helton looked like Patterson, a lefty swinging at a face high fastball. Except Helton is white and he already drew a walk today.
  
  
• During fan cam, they play a song by Len's old band "Your Indentured Servants." That's pretty sweet. Nicely done, WGN.
  
  
• Jimmy Eat World is on One Tree Hill's season finale. (It's the encore presentation!) I've heard that people watch this show. Is this true?
  
  
• Innings the Cubs threatened: 3,8,9. I'm tired of keeping this stat because the Cubs just suck at hitting right now.
  
  
• Bob is rambling about swinging at the first pitch again. That's like the twentieth time he's rambled about this in the last four games. AHHH! Leave him, demons of Tim McCarver. I command you.
  
  
• Bob is just killing me today. It's worse than usual. He just keeps talking, but he's not saying anything. He's like the fifty year old woman at your office chatting about the weather and the price of gas and her crazy neighbors.
  
  
• Ramirez walks. I rub my eyes. He still walked. It's real. That's two walks in the first inning.
  
  
• Dubois walks. We're in uncharted territory here, friends. That's three straight walks.
  
  
• Hawpe hits one back and it clips Prior in the arm. Ramirez makes a great diving catch on the ricochet to get the out, but Prior is down. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Prior comes out, and he has a huge bruise on his elbow already. Let me summarize: This just really sucks.
  
  
• Ramirez singles. That's three straight hits. Cubs, it's like I don't even know you any more.
  
  
• Dubois doubles. Five hits, four hits in a row, four unearned runs, all with two outs. It's like they're playing a weaker team like Colorado or something. Wait...
  
  
• Lee: HR! Back to back jacks! I wonder if Ron started drinking for the holiday weekend yet. Everyone else at the park sure has.
  
  
• There's a forty person conga line dancing down the aisles. Like I said, a LOT of people are celebrating the holiday weekend. Average BAC in conga line: 0.14.
  
  
• Helton strikes out. He is slumping. Maybe Hollandsworth can show him around some places where ballplayers aren't recognized so he can hide.
  
  
• Ramirez reaches on E5. He's been on base four times. He must be exhausted. For him lately, that's a weeks worth of baserunning.
  
  
• Hawkins is in. I guess the thinking goes, "Spot him a 10-3 lead and he's lights out."
  
  
• They have the M*A*S*H theme music going for the pregame.
  
  
• Fan cam is on fire again today. Two days in a row with lots of hot chicks.
  
  
• Ramirez hits a home run. They're teeing off on Byung Hyun Kim like he's pitching in the playoffs or something. All of this has come with no outs.
  
  
• Morandini sings the stretch. Welcome back, Dandy Glove Man. We haven't forgotten how you were in 1998.
  
  
• Holliday hits a two-out single [off Dempster in the 9th]. I thought we traded LaTroy...just joking.
  
  
• Innings the Cubs threatened: 5,6,7,8. No criticisms on my part today whatsoever, other than if Hollandsworth keeps it up they might as well have traded him to the giants for a sack of Diamond Dry.
  
  
• Barrett walks. KJM: "I wonder if they practice flipping their bats."
  
  
• Hot chicks are even hotter in HD.
  
  
• Ramirez cranks a HR on the first pitch. AR has 3 RBIs today. He's going to have a good road trip, I'm thinking. The only bad thing is Len just called him "Rammy." That's the worst nickname since "The Farns."
  
  
• Did you know that 40 million drivers trust State Farm?
  
  
• Danica Patrick is in first place at the Indy 500 despite a spin out. Have to keep half an eye on her. And not just because she's hot.
  
  
• The Indy 500 will finish under caution, after Patrick slipped to fourth. Too bad. Did I mention she's hot?
  
  
• Watching with JAR, who comments on the Rockies: "Can we keep playing them?"
  
  
• I think the Illini are drunk, singing the stretch.
  
  
• Bruce Weber finally has his voice back.
  
  
• Todd Walker hits a pinch hit HR onto Sheffield. I figure the crowd toasts him there since it's just before the vendors run out of beer and cut off sales.
  
  
• JAR: "I think Neifi looks like Wayne Brady."